This past weekend I journeyed to the town of Tobetsu near Sapporo to meet my future in-laws and to receive their blessings on the impending marriage of Yuko Takahashi and myself in June. According to the Japanese Ministry of Health, Labour, and Welfare, by the year 2000 there were 300,000 marriages between Japanese and non-Japanese persons registered in Japan, and it is not uncommon for JET participants to join these ranks during their brief sojourns in the land. It is therefore circumspect to inquire closely into the legal machinations governing these international unions within Japanese society. The prospective spouse of a Japanese national may be surprised, upon browsing through respective Japanese embassy web-sites, to discover that visas for spouses of Japanese nationals are generally covered by one unexciting paragraph informing the reader that such a spouse must renew his or her spousal visa every one to three years depending on the duration of the marriage and the whim of the Ministry bureaucrats. More in depth research will lead to the discovery of an even more sinister instrument of discrimination:
Japan’s Family Registry System, governed by
the Residents Registration Law. While it is a popular conception among Western ex-pats in Japan that it is easier for gaijin guys to “score” than it is for gaijin girls, the truth is that 80% of international marriages here are between Japanese men and non-Japanese women (primarily Korean, Filipina—yes, that’s how you spell it—and other Southeast Asian nationalities). Consequently, discrimination against gaijin spouses in Japan is also a grave issue of discrimination against women. There are a number of organizations and mutual support groups in Japan seeking to empower gaijin spouses, two of them being
ISSHO and
UMJ (United for a Multicultural Japan).
My own journey with Yuko began nine years ago at the Word of Life Bible Institute in the Adirondack Mountains where we basically had very little to do with each other.
We would attend the same birthday parties . . .
. . . but seldom made it into the same photographs. We were casually in touch on and off for a number of years (mostly off)
. . . until we met again in November, 2003 at my sister’s wedding in Hokkaido. I will state for the record once more that I am not drunk in this photograph—just very jetlagged. A few days after I returned to Canada we decided via e-mail
to get married
. . . so we were on very friendly terms when she visited me in Toronto in May. As mentioned above, this past weekend I made the journey across the Straits of Tsugaru to Hokkaido where I proclaimed to the Takahashi’s my love for their daughter and received their blessing to become their gaijin son-in-law.
4 comments:
you guys make such a cute couple.
but what was different after all those years?
what made you or her to decide, after that wedding, that you guys should marry?
were you guys good friends?
I’m sorry I wasn’t able to address your question sooner, Becca (I’ve been at a conference and without internet access for the past few of days). It’s a very good point that you bring up, and to give the short answer I would have to say: “because I have changed.” It would be reasonable to assume that in the course of nine years Yuko has changed as well, but it is not my place to speak to that. I would say that the qualities I recognize in Yuko and love Yuko for today are not the qualities I was seeking in a girl when I initially met her in my late teens. I believe that my perspectives on love and marriage have matured considerably over the course of those many years in which we were only in indirect contact, and that these changes were the reason that I viewed Yuko in an entirely new light when we came face to face again in November of 2003. As an eighteen-year-old I was drawn to the teenie-bopper cutie type. As a twenty-seven-year-old I was smitten by the mature beauty and womanly qualities that I find Yuko to be possessed of. An important factor in the coming together of Yuko and I so suddenly was that I had already known her well enough over a very long period of time that I knew that we were a perfect match according to Rabbi Dov Heller’s “5 Golden Rules for Finding Your Life Partner” (which I will append at the end of this post). According to Yuko, she had been developing her own list of qualities she wished for in a husband, and she felt that I fit perfectly into these, based on what she had learned of me over the past nine years. Therefore when we came together last November and found ourselves to be also physically attracted to each other, getting married was a quick and easy decision for both of us. This was especially true since we were both in our late twenties and therefore feeling quite ready to get married and quite certain of our desires.
Rabbi Dov Heller’s 5 Golden Rules for Finding Your Perfect Life Partner:
“A relationship coach lays out his 5 golden rules for evaluating the prospects of long-term success. When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Ms. Right!
“If you ask most couples who are engaged why they’re getting married, they’ll say: “We’re in love.” I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they date.
“Choosing a life partner should never be based on love (alone). Though this may sound not politically correct, there’s a profound truth here. Love (alone) is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then love will come.
“Let me say it again: You can’t build a lifetime relationship on love alone. You need a lot more. Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you’re serious about finding and keeping a life partner.”
QUESTION #1
Do we share a common life purpose?
“Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you’re married for 20 or 30 years, that’s a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.
“Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can grow apart. 50 percent of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life—bottom line—and marry someone who wants the same thing.”
QUESTION #2
Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?
“This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust—i.e. trust that I won’t get ‘punished’ or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.
“A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.”
QUESTION #3
Is he/she mensch?
“A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves?
“A teacher of mine defines a good person as ‘someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing.’ So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time?
“Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement. There are essentially two types of people in the world: 1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and, 2) People who are dedicated to seeking comfort.
“Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the isle.”
QUESTION #4
How does he/she treat other people?
“The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? Do they show respect? If they don’t have gratitude for the people who have given them everything, you cannot expect that they’ll have gratitude for you—who can’t do nearly as much for them! Do they gossip and speak badly about others? Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others. You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly will, eventually, treat you poorly as well.”
QUESTION #5
Is there anything I’m hoping to change about this person after we’re married?
“Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to ‘improve’ them after they’re married. Put it this way, ‘You can probably expect someone to change after marriage . . . for the worse!’ If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.
“In conclusion, dating doesn’t have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating, to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don’t want to find yourself in trouble because you didn’t do your homework.”
I've read this before. the only thing I could never get is what "common life purpose" is.....if it's not just doing things you both like doing together, what else is there?
smurfette
Although I can't speak authoritatively for the author, as far as I understand "a common life purpose" means, in this case, the dreams, aspirations, and senses of duty growing out of each person's world view. For some people this would be a compatable sense of purpose rooted in similar theological beliefs, while for others it might be a shared committment to social justice issues. In any case, I think Heller was trying to point to those things which are larger than life and which transcend material comfort and leisure.
Post a Comment