Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Digital Diagnoses: Jumping on the Online Personality Test Bandwagon

Online personality tests seem to be a huge fad among bloggers. Come to think of it, I posted one myself a few months ago: “What Canadian Province are You?” Like most people, I secretly enjoy these online questionnaires because, like most people, I like to read things about myself—unless it’s graffiti illustrated with rude pictures. However, most of these “tests” have too many questions. I get bored before I finish answering them all. And usually my “real answer” isn’t included in the multiple choice options. That tends to drag things out and reinforce my boredom. That’s why I really appreciated this “Past Life Analysis” that a friend sent me.

"Who were you in your past life?"

There is only one question, and the answer is my birthday. My birthday never bores me, and it only takes a couple of seconds to type. With that minimal effort, I can gain access to “445 lines of Javascript code which perform relatively simple numeric calculations.” “This software [which is] only slightly more sophisticated than an electronic fortune cookie” generates eleven lines of entertaining drivel about . . . ME. And it can do the same for . . . YOU. This is what I got (although there’s no point in you reading what the algorithms said about me, when you can find out what they will say about YOU by clicking on the link above).

Your past life diagnosis:

I don’t know how you feel about it, but you were male in your last earthly incarnation.
Well, I’m relieved, to say the least . . . thanks!

You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Egypt around the year 900.
Okay, I’m not too keen on Egypt, so I will deploy the secret human weapon: DENIAL DENIAL DENIAL!

Your profession was that of a writer, dramatist or organizer of rituals.
Rituals? Who told?!

Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
Ruthless character, carefully weighing his decisions in critical situations, with excellent self-control and strong will. Such people are generally liked, but not always loved.

“Ruthless,” check; “strong willed,” check; “careful?” . . . ; “self-controlled?” . . . okay, I accept.

The lesson that your past life brought to your present incarnation:
Hey, nobody said anything about lessons. I didn’t type in my birthday for that!
Your lesson is to combat violence and disharmony in our world, to understand its roots and origins. All global problems have similar origins.

Do you remember now?

I don’t know, my head isn’t very clear right now. I’m still pretty upset about being “lessoned” at and being ratted on about my secret rituals.