Friday, April 08, 2005

In Which I Am Almost Engaged In a Board of Education Special Op but Get Thwarted by the Monkey

Today I am basking in the afterglow of the sort of mild euphoria that is unique to those who unexpectedly discover that their employers are not only an armed organization, but that they will also let them shoot monkeys. I have already described in the past the relationship between my village’s board of education (BOE) and the local wildlife as well as the power of life and death over monkeys that is exercised by village boards of education in Shimokita. However, today as I was preparing to leave the BOE office I observed a fellow employee walking down the hall with an AR15 (the civilian equivalent of an M16). I have been to many strange places and seen many strange things so my tendency is always to give every situation the BBP—Benefit of the Boring Probability. I have found that most potentially interesting circumstances have profoundly uninteresting explanations and therefore tend not to think very deeply about out of place things like coworkers walking around the office with semi-automatic weapons. On the other hand, it has been nearly a year since I left the Canadian army reserves and I really miss my C7 (what we in Canada call our slightly modified M16s). So I looked longingly at the AR15 and in doing so noticed that the flash suppressor was not really a flash suppressor and that therefore the AR15 was probably not really an AR15 but just a plain old air gun made to look like one. There is always a boring explanation. The long and the short of it is that someone had just called the board of education to complain about a lone monkey doing naughty things on a neighbour’s roof. Since the board of education is responsible for making this sort of problem go away my co-worker had gone to get a board of education air gun with which to chase the monkey back into the mountains. When I explained to him how badly I missed my C7 he offered to take me along. Sadly, by the time we got to our area of operation the monkey had already left on its own volition. Although the mission was cancelled I did learn many things through it, like the fact that the BOE owns four AR15 replica air guns, three of which are issued to contracted monkey shooters in each of Kazamaura’s three hamlets. The fourth is kept in reserve at the BOE in case the junior BOE employees want to personally go out and shoot delinquent monkeys. There is another air gun in the agricultural section of the mayor’s office, bringing the total number of weapons in the village arsenal to five. My co-worker has promised to take me along on any future special operations that occur when I am in the BOE office, so stand by for further monkey business.

Back in the Good Old Days When I Got To Carry a Real One: For Some Reason the Army Never Seemed to Trust Us with Real Ammo

Actually, I am not too crazy about inflicting BB welts on Shimokita's naughty monkeys. After all, the local flolks go into the forests to harvest all the mountain vegetables that the monkeys eat, and then they get all upset when the monkeys come down to the villages to help themselves to some people food. This hardly seems fair.